Beach Beards

Here is a quick explanation of the Beach Boys Beards scale. I am officially using this photo of bearded Beach Boys, as it seems representative of each beard's respective life cycle. Also, it's convenient that they are all together, even Brian (though there exist worse photos of bearded Brian).

Here are the explanations of the specific ratings.

1. Brain Wison-This one is just rough. The other Beach Boys (barring maybe Dennis, who was naturally cool) grew beards to look hip and with the times, and managed to do so with some level of success. Brain grew his beard because he was too detached from the world to even shave any more. His beard is a portrait of defeat, and is sad for me to look at. Obviously, that is the bottom of the scale.

2.Dennis Wilson-So Dennis didn't grow his beard to catch up to being cool, because he already was. But that doesn't mean it's not a bummer, too. Dennis, who was the only cute Beach Boy, sort of developed into a grizzly old man way too early, just like his voice. His beard looks a little cool, but is mostly the portrait of a lost wild man. It looked alright from time to time, but mostly looked worse than his pre-beard days. 2 out of 5.

3.Mike Love-Mike love had a magical voice and wrote one absurdly splendid song ("Big Sur"). He also sucked a whole lot, was buddies with Regan, resisted meaningful growth for the band (outside of Transcendental Meditation), and looked like a creepy old man even in 1961. He is THE most vital component of the contradictory nature of the group. But his beard? Eh. It looked better than his pre-beard days sometimes, and other times looked worse. But it also made him look like an ascetic Hulk Hogan when he wasn't wearing a hat, which is hilarious and very very Mike Love. It definitely detracts nothing, and adds a vital Beach-Boysness to their beard phase. 3 out of 5.

4.Al Jardine-This isn't the best looking beard, but Jardine was not the best-looking guy, either. Not bad, but just unny looking, in a general sort of way. Think of the second part of the California Saga on Holland. It rules, and is a great fit for the album, but...you know. It is what it is, which is good, but it's not perfect. Which kind of sums up Al Jardine in the Beach Boys, and definitely describes his beard. He looks better bearded, if not awesome. It was a very good call for him, and does not look forced like the bottom two (and maybe Love too). Plus Jardine is a cooler dude than Mike Love, so he wins what could maybe be a draw, beard-wise. 4 out of 5.

5.Carl Wilson-Ah, Carl. It took him awhile to get to the spotlight. He was kinda schlumpy, never got to do lead vocals (until the mid 60s), and wasn't a mad genius or pretty boy like his brothers. But he really blossomed in the 70s, saving the band from self-destruction and self-parody, and showing himself as a kind of genius in his own right. And his beard is phenomenal. He never really looked right until the beard came along. It seems that he didn't choose it, but it chose him. The man was born for a beard, and the 70s hit at just the right time. At the same time he became the Most Important Beach Boy, he finally looked the part. Carl Wilson is the man, and his beard is THE Beach Boy Beard. 5 out of 5.